The Scriptwriter Chronicles: MEN ON THE ROAD (Part 7)

Part 7 - The Waiting Game

Julian drives into an estate and stops outside a rundown block of flats. Gerald and Julian peek through the front window and look up at the flats. They see that Ritchie’s bathroom window is open. They sit back and wait. There’s a few seconds of silence.

GERALD

Sheep

JULIAN

What?

GERALD

Have you tried thinking about sheep during sex?

JULIAN

Why?

GERALD

So it lasts longer

JULIAN

Who does that?

GERALD

I mean if you think about something else during sex maybe you won’t get aroused

JULIAN

So of all things, you come up with Sheep?

GERALD

Yeah coz they are like the least attractive animal and I know people dream about them in their sleep so… Silence for a further few seconds. Julian opens his door. Where are you going?

JULIAN

To get Ritchie

GERALD

Does that seem logical to you?

JULIAN

No logic would mean me going by myself so I can get there on time instead of having to pick up a sheep lover, a belly button groomer and a walking STD

GERA;D

Oh Sebastian’s coming?

JULIAN

Yes he is, the guy who’s never played football in his life wants to start at the tender age of 27

GERALD

Better late than never Gerald takes out his mobile Just call him, beats having to knock on his door for god knows how long

JULIAN

Yeah well at least he won’t take the piss once I’m in.

GERALD

Hassling him aint gonna work trust me, just call him. You’ll get injured running up them stairs, plus this area gives me the creeps, all these un-fathered kids running about.

JULIAN

Yeah coz we’re in the ghetto streets of Hertfordshire. We’re in broad daylight Gerald; you’re more likely to get attacked by the sun.

GERALD

Yeah well I’ve heard stories

JULIAN

Do they involve sheep? Haha let me call fruity guy. Julian calls Ritchie Stories, please. Yeah Ritchie mate we’re downstairs, you got 5 mins then we’re leaving without you. Yeah and bring some spare shinpads, ok mate……ok mate………ok mate……ok mate………ok mate. Bye.

Silence for a few seconds. Julian picks up a bottle of Evian from under his chair and takes a gulp out of it. He passes it onto Gerald who takes a gulp from it, he then spits out the water and wipes his mouth while Julian’s mouth is wide open. Their eyes are fixated on something in front of them.

A curvaceous female walks past the car with her bum in full view of the two men. Julian and Gerald’s head tilt to the side as they remain focused on her bum. They both make a groaning sound. Julian’s hand reaches into his glove apartment, eyes still fixed on the lady he passes the cloth to Gerald. Gerald wipes the mess he’s made while he eyes are also fixated on the girl. They sit back.

GERALD

They don’t make them like that anymore I tell you that

JULIAN

You are not lying…..wait a minute why you watching her ass for, you’re in a relationship with my sister

GERALD

Coming from a guy with a wife and kids

JULIAN

I wasn’t even watching her, she looked like she had the same jeans as my wife so...I was just checking to see if…they were the same jeans…as my wife’s

GERALD

You’re lying

JULIAN

No I’m not. What gave it away?

GERALD

Erm apart from the fact that you were lying, you stuttered so many times I thought you invented a remix

JULIAN

Yeah whatever just keep your eyes off other women

GERALD

Hey there’s nothing wrong with recognising talent

JULIAN

I’m surprised you event noticed her, the way you and Michelle were so lovey dovey earlier

GERALD

Yeah well things aint always as they seem

JULIAN

Why what’s wrong?

GERALD

Nothing

JULIAN

No go on

GERALD

I’d rather not say

JULIAN

“I’d rather not say” come on Gerald we’re big men

GERALD

I don’t want to say negative things about your sister

JULIAN

Why not? I do all the time, she’s hairy Awkward silence You’re not gonna tell me now are you?

GERALD

No Julian takes a gulp of water from his bottle She’s just abit too high maintenance

JULIAN

What women aren’t?

GERALD

Yeah but she just takes the biscuit, dunks it in tea and sucks it. Julian looks confused and looks at him What I mean to say is she’s just overboard. So many demands and expectancies for every little thing. There’s no budget to her lifestyle. She wants a present every other week, I mean how many anniversaries are there for god’s sake. The cleanliness of our house is such a major issue, as soon as I step out the shower she’s got a bottle of Cif ready for me to clean once I’ve finished changing. Who does that? She’s like Alex Ferguson

JULIAN

What like she demand’s perfection?

GERALD

No in that she’ll kick a boot at me for not getting the right results

JULIAN

Sounds like Julie

GERALD

Wow and she can talk for England, doesn’t stop for hours and expects me to concentrate throughout the whole convo. She talks during Match of the Day, Alan Hansen at his analytical best and she wants to have a conversation. Alan Hansen Julian…..Alan Hansen. And the sex wow, 2 hours!! I mean I love making love but I just haven’t got the stamina day in day out, you understand what I mean…erm maybe not

JULIAN

I’m really enjoying this conversation.

GERALD

Im sorry. Its only a one hour and 57 minute difference between our performances. If it makes you feel better I have to do it twice to make up the two hours…yeah Julian tries to contain his emerging anger, and breathes heavily What’s wrong? your vein is popping out

The back left hand door opens and a slightly muscular man with trimmed facial hair sits in the back seat. His Arsenal shirt fresh red and his chain shiny gold. He takes off his sunglasses and speaks….

PART 8 COMING SOON......